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Presented by State Library Victoria

Chapter 1- Return To Hell

Another place, the same time…

Evelyn shivered. The cold night air was driving her crazy! Especially since she didn’t have the choice to go inside. She shifted in the bush that she was hiding in. She had figured it would be a good hiding spot since her cloak was the same colour as the emerald green leaves. She started to shift around again, then stopped. She had heard something. It went away. Evelyn breathed out with heavy relief. She rested her head on the bush leaves then jolted back up again. Her hair had got stuck in the twigs. “Uhh…” she moaned softly. Her hair… her hair was long, curly and blond, and she had flaming orange eyes, always flickering from icy-cold cruelness to wild eyed warmth, while her skin was creamy and pale. Well, here she was. It’s almost like playing hide and seek with a possessed being, she had thought a few minutes ago. Actually it was playing hide and seek with a possessed being, she realised horrifically.

Then she saw a figure. She tried too make out who it was, but they were concealed by the fog. As they came more into view Evelyn stiffened. It was an unnatural figure, with horns and glowing red eyes. “Crap.” Evelyn whispered. She shifted around so she would be covered more. “Double crap!” She had pricked her finger on one of the twigs. Red blood ran down her finger and dripped onto the ground. It trailed deeper into the ground sending a message of her location to anyone who cared to smell. The devil’s head whipped around, and it’s lips stretched into a thin smile. It sniffed the air deeply. Obviously it had a very good sense of smell. For blood. It started to creep towards Evelyn, and stuck it’s hand into the bush. Evelyn smiled. The devil’s hand grappled onto her cloak, and started to pull her out of the bush… Evelyn stabbed her dagger into the devil’s hand. She blanched. The devil’s hand was pale, but it had black veins sticking out of the scrawny thing. Black claws dripped with fresh blood. Evelyn wondered who had the luck to become a midnight snack. Because it definitely wasn’t the devil’s. Then she smiled. Did it really think she would be unarmed? Evelyn Nightair, trained fighter and a child prodigy at that. (Pronounced night-are). Sometimes these things really were stupid. The devil screamed, raspy and unnatural. Evelyn gagged again. Then she pushed herself up off the ground and faced her hunter. The thing quietened down when it saw her. “Hello” it said, voice still scratchy, and eyes bloodshot from the pain. Idiot. She sighed. Words were useless in times like these. She punched it in the face. Well, she tried too. The devil was unnaturally agile, and stepped out of the way with ease. Evelyn growled. They started to circle each other. Evelyn lunged unexpectedly, The devil’s eyes widened with surprise. Evelyn’s graceful kick landed square in the stomach of the devil. Evelyn tried to hide her smile. Obviously the devil didn’t know about her combat skills and her heritage.
“What?,” Evelyn asked innocently , “I don’t even know you’re name!”
“Vicella, ” it purred, “but darling, please, just call me Vice. It’s my nickname.” Evelyn started. She was shocked how quickly ‘Vice’ had changed demeanour. It was like there was a whole different person in there. “Well Vice, it really was nice to meet you- but oh! Look at the time! Must dash. Bye!”
“Not so hasty, darling!” Vice hissed, “You’re coming with me!” And with that, Vice flew over to her, and scratched her square in the eye. Evelyn She started to feel faint. What had happened? Her vision started to fail, and her eyes felt tired and heavy. Sleep. I need sleep. “What was on that that claw?” she thought absentmindedly. She noticed that the claw wasn’t dripping with blood like she thought before. It was dripping with morbid. “Didn’t you think I’d have any tricks up my sleeve. Tsk, tsk Nightair. And I thought I taught you something! Obviously not. Still as cocky and determined as ever,” it chuckled wickedly, remembering, ‘Just like your mother. And look at how that turned out for her.” The devil said it not cruelly, to Evelyn, but more matter-of-factly for itself.
Suddenly her froze with such coldness, and she felt like she was going to die. It felt like she was being lifted onto something. She couldn’t tell what has happening. Her body was failing. Then she burned with such force that everything went black.

A world of black. No sense. Nothing, now. She thought there wasn’t such a thing as nothing. Perhaps she was dead.

6 comments

bookwithbane

Hey, an idea! You can submit this as a Google Docs and allow us to comment, so you can change it at will without having to make posts every time we critique! Straight away I can see that you "tell" rather than "show". A formatting tip: whenever you start a piece of dialogue, move it a line down. I noticed that in Eveleyn's inner thoughts, she switches from present tense to past tense. You need to let the reader infer a bit! Instead of telling all of Eveleyn's abilities straight off the bat, show it in her combat. Same thing with the devil. With the description, instead of throwing it at the reader, slowly work it in throughout the piece. You also switch from third person to first person a few times in the piece.

30th Jun, 19
inky Centre for Youth Literature

Hey bookwithbane - to share a google doc you would need to share emails and we don't share emails here.

2nd Jul, 19
bookwithbane

In reply to inky

Understandable, would it be okay if we used something decentralized like Etherpad?

2nd Jul, 19
inky Centre for Youth Literature

In reply to bookwithbane

Same deal.

3rd Jul, 19
alexbailey

Once I actually read it through, I totally understand what your'e getting at. Yikes! I will definitely fix that up! Thanks again, bookwithbane!

13th Jul, 19
ellipsis

It would be nice to have some insight into what Evelyn's thinking and feeling, since this is written from her perspective.
As Bane said, show, don't tell! Don't worry about the audience getting exactly what you imagine; give them freedom to draw their own conclusions and form their own perceptions. If they miss a detail or form a different image, it almost always doesn't matter :)
Looking forward to more! And good job putting up your writing, I'm always too critical to post mine...

1st Jul, 19